Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
by Reiven
Summary: Kai/Yuriy. Yuriy and Giancarlo spend the afternoon together talking about boobs. Maybe it’s high time someone told Giancarlo that Yuriy only has gay eyes for Hiwatari Kai.


_Standard disclaimer applies._

**Title**: Straight Eye for the Queer Guy.  
**Genre**: Humour.  
**Rating**: General.  
**Characters**: Giancarlo (Enrique), Yuriy and Kai.  
**Classification**: Shounen-ai.  
**Summary**: Yuriy and Giancarlo spend the afternoon together talking about boobs. Maybe it's high time someone told Giancarlo that Yuriy only has gay eyes for Hiwatari Kai…

* * *

**Straight Eye for the Queer Guy  
**_-- By Reiven --_

_

* * *

_

Yuriy Ivanov is not a person known for his kind ways and jovial outlook on life. He is not known to be the most social person one could have in their company or someone willing to give his two cents in a conversation that he was decidedly not interested in. That being said, then why is it so hard for him to say that he'd rather spend the day picking lice off of stray puppies in the street than spend another waking moment talking about one of the things he despised more than Kinomiya Takao…

Girls.

"Would you look at that? Quite probably the most ample kind I've seen pass in the last hour. What do you think?"

"I really--"

"Holy bit beast, did you see the ass on that one; so perky, yet firm and grip able at the same time."

Oh, that's right. It was because no matter how hard he tried, he could not slip a word edgewise into the conversation.

"I have no intenti--"

"I bet old those three old coots are regretting their decision to go training instead. I mean, who needs training when you've got girls?"

"Would you list--"

"Oh, I finished my cup of coffee already. Girl fishing really makes you lose track of time. You want a refill?"

Yuriy sighed, since that was probably the only thing left for him to do in that situation. He wished someone would pass by and save him from the eternal damnation be was being sentenced to; talking about boobs with a pimp. Now if there was a worst situation a man of his stature and sexual preference could be in, may he be damned.

"Check out the blond in the miniskirt, yowza!"

Firstly, he always hated those types of exclamations. They made absolutely no point other than verifying the reality that you were a complete dimwit, and they weren't even stated in the dictionary of words used by the human language. Secondly, he had absolutely no intention of checking out the blond in the miniskirt. Thirdly, why is the blond wearing a miniskirt in the middle of Russia's winter anyway?

"I don't see the poi--"

"Holy Mary, would you look at the sexy blue haired goddess? I bet a gorgeous face is connected to that firm ass, that curvaceous back…and that sexy scarf. Whoa!"

Yuriy was captivated by the word scarf and twirled around to get a better view.

"Kai!" unable to hold back his excitement to see his knight in shining armour come to his rescue, Yuriy leap up from his chair and sprinted off towards his target. Another reason was because he'd pay a thousand Rubels to anyone could get him as far away from that blonde haired playboy as fast as humanly possible. Even Wolborg had refused his command to turn the pair of eyes on legs to a Popsicle and had chosen to stay in the safe confinements of his blade. Yuriy envied him, and wished that he had his own blade he could hide in whenever this creature came into view…or whenever Balkov got his grubby hands on some orange material and a sewing machine.

"Yuriy?" turning around with much grace and patience as he was known for, Kai merely raised an eyebrow when the desperate figure of Yuriy came jogging up to him, latched onto his arm and seemed to only be open to letting go when they had to pry away his cold, dead carcass.

"Hey, Hiwatari."

Kai knew that voice, the tone it was spoken in and immediately felt a rush of pity for the whimpering redhead beside him.

"Giancarlo," he nodded briefly in greeting. "Up to the same old tricks, eh…"

"Never old ones," he cast Kai a smarmy grin, "And never the same ones twice, you know that."

"Hn…we'll be off then," bending his elbow so to add to the death grip Yuriy had on his arm, he marched off without waiting for an answer

"Kai…" Yuriy grasped his arm tighter and Kai thought he heard a bone in his elbow snap into place, "My hero."

Kai had to hold back the amuse grin threatening to surface. "How exactly did you manage to get caught up with him? Wolf intuition getting a little rusty?"

"It's a long story…and I'll have no mention of wolves in my presence. Wolborg the traitor," he mumbled under his breath.

"Shorten it then."

Giving the slate haired teen a once look over, Yuriy harrumphed. "Decided togo out and have a cup of coffee and some pastries, Balkov's up to his usual antics, as you can imagine, and that person cornered me between the baguettes and croissants. I had no where to hide. It was awful, Kai!" he buried his face in the material of Kai's scarf and whinged, "All these girls, all those assets, all that make up! I don't think I'll get a peaceful night's sleep for the next century."

"And it didn't occur to you to just come clean?"

"What do you think?" he glared, "I tried to slip it in between the second and the fourth cup --that guy drinks a lot of coffee, I don't think it's healthy-- but he kept thwarting my efforts."

"I guess that teaches you not to joy gallivanting off alone next time. Good thing the fangirls didn't get wind of it."

At the mention, they both shuddered.

"I don't believe I'm saying this, but do you think it's safe to leave him there unattended? He could corner some other poor sucker into his web of pompous girl ogling."

"Do you really care?"

"…now that you mention it, not particularly. Let's go get some ice-cream."

"In the middle of winter? You do realize that not all of us control the element of ice, right?"

"I do realize that you're not one to back out of a challenge," he whispered huskily into Kai's ear, making sure that his object of affection felt his breath on his neck as he uttered every single word.

Suppressing the urge to throw the redhead to the ground and ravage him senseless, Kai opted to just lift him up a few inched by his waist and plant his lips on Yuriy's luscious, full and inviting ones.

"What the fu--get you hands off of me before I tear them off!"

"No need to get physical, honey."

"Did you just call me h--didn't I just tell you hearing impaired son of a bi--get your filthy hands off of me!"

The raging voice brought Kai and Yuriy out of their self imposed euphoria.

"That voice…you don't think…no. It's not possible," Yuriy would have gaped, if he wasn't too preoccupied with Kai's tongue making its way down his neck.

"Do you really care? It's his funeral."

"I suppose not…but do you think the government would point fingers at the abbey when they find out that half of Moscow has been blown to shreds?"

"That's Balkov's problem."

"I suppose so…"

"No use worrying your pretty little head off, now come on," catching Yuriy's pale hands him his own, Kai half dragged him away from the crowd that had begun to gather around the loud scene.

"I have absolutely no interest in loafing around with the likes of you looking at useless girls!"

"Everyone says that now, but eventually you'll understand that you can never resist the appeal of a couple of ample breasts and a perky bum, Kuznetsov."

Subsequent to this incident, Giancarlo was never heard from again, and all and any witnesses assured the police that they all suffered from short term memory loss regarding the incident.

His teammates and friends all agreed that he'd had it coming to him a long time ago. After all, you live the life of a womanizer, it shalt be the end of you.

Kai and Yuriy were too busy cuddling in bed watching Watership Down to care about happening around them. They did know that one does not get into a tiff with Boris Kuznetsov about anything and get away with it unscathed.

* * *

**-- Owari --**

**

* * *

**

Decided to post this little story in honour my turning the (not-so) big two-one. Old enough to vote...be still my beating heart...


End file.
